03.11.07
STAGES in Christian Dating/Courtship Relationship
There is a progression that should take place in building a Christian dating relationship. The following is offered as a short Christian dating guide for Christian singles to consider as they build a Christian dating relationship.
(Note: As soon as I say Christian dating guide, every single Christian reading this will think they are an exception and the timing noted does not apply to them. Yes – it does! One of the strangest phenomenons that I have observed is that singles dating behavior is more common than most of us think. I encourage you to not look for the “exception” but where you can build the type Christian dating relationship that will serve you and your partner well for years to come.)
FANTASY STAGE: 1 – 6 months
1. There is an attraction to each other and Christian singles immediately (or soon thereafter) think they have found their soul mate. Candidly, there is really little more in the Christian dating relationship during this stage than “physical attraction”.
2. There is a temptation for Christian singles to begin saying, “I love you” during this fantasy stage. What the expression really is saying is – “I am in love with the idea of being in love” AND “I really think you are the answer for ME”! It is mostly self-serving.
3. The emphasis should be upon enjoying each other’s company and building a FRIENDSHIP and refraining from going any further.
4. After 2 to 3 months of this type of dating and it is mutually agreed, the Christian dating relationship can move into an exclusive dating arrangement. This should be mutually agreed to and clearly understood by both Christian singles.
5. It is very important that each person have their own accountability group of their own gender. The progress of the Christian dating relationship should be shared so that their objectivity and accountability can be a valuable resource to the couple.
AFFIRMING STAGE: 6 – 12 months
1. Once a couple is satisfied that there is something to take to the next level, the couple should develop a plan in how they can best get to know each other in “real settings” not just in Christian dating situations. This plan will include such things as spending time around family and close friends to enable each other to see how the other person builds and sustains all relationships.
2. I do not suggest that the couple spend all their time together at this stage. It is a temptation to do so, but I suggest that it is actually unhealthy for the Christian dating relationship. Our emotions need to “grow” into this type of deep Christian dating relationship. Pushing the pace causes areas of each other’s character to not be observed. For example: Can the couple enjoy their alone time as well as their together time? If not, what is the “force” at play that is “pushing”? This often means that a healthy bonding is not taking place and the emphasis is upon self-satisfaction in this Christian dating relationship.
3. It is very important to look for CHARACTER issues in each other during this stage of Christian dating. Give yourself enough time and enough settings where character issues can surface. Why is this important? Individuals can “mask” character issues for an extended period of time – especially a few months during the fantasy period of Christian dating. But character is the foundation upon which commitment is built. Character does not change just because one gets married. You need to know “what they are really like” before you move into a marital relationship.
PRE-ENGAGEMENT STAGE: 1 to 2 years
1. The couple has spent a good deal of time building their Christian dating relationship. They mutually agree that this relationship has the great potential of moving into marriage. It is important that there be a “pre” engagement period of time. There is no set time frame for a pre-engagement period. It is more important that the process be completed than the time completed.
2. Marital inventories and temperament sorting should be taken at this stage. These are a wonderful means of finding out which areas you are really in “sync” and where you are apart. It serves as a basis for building the Christian dating relationship into as healthy a one as possible BEFORE marriage. (I highly recommend the inventories developed by Dr. David Olson that can be found at www.lifeinnovations.com. There are many counselors who can provide Christian singles with insights into the results found in these inventories. The Myers-Briggs temperament sorting is another excellent source of information that each person should know about themselves and each other.)
3. At least 4 sessions should be spent with a Christian counselor who is trained in pre-marital counseling. It would be especially helpful to take the inventories mentioned above to the counselor for their input.
4. It is very important that the couple receive affirmations from family and friends during this stage. If they do not (unless there is a good reason), the couple should take the time to listen to the concerns and take steps to ensure that they are embracing and working through them.
ENGAGEMENT STAGE:
1. Once a couple arrives at the point that they “know” that they want to be married and have all the affirmations that they can receive, they can move from the Christian dating stage with confidence into the engagement stage.
2. I do not recommend a prolonged engagement once the couple decides to get married. If they have done the process in a “seasoning” manner, they should plan to marry as practical – with mutual agreement. I say this so that pre-marital sex will not be a temptation.
MARRIAGE STAGE:
The couple should be able to enjoy the blessings of God as well as family and friends as they move into a marriage that has been well planned and confirmed in a healthy process. They can be assured that they have taken the steps to assure a long and satisfying marriage.
There are so many voices at play in our world today. Many of these encourage us to rush into marriage with anyone as soon as we find a strong attraction. This is not wise and God wants to mature you in your Christian dating and bonding process. It is my prayer that Christian singles will use the above to develop their own Christian dating guide for building a strong and satisfying relationship.
(excerpt from the Article “Christian dating: what are the
“NORMAL” stages in dating for Christian singles?”)
Wellness said,
August 8, 2007 at 6:03 am
Hey
I was surfing the web and i saw this site, pretty cool.
Currently im running and adult site:Wellness
k, just want to say hi
Can i link you from my site? im looking for quality content like yours. If no let me know if i can add u in exchange for a montly fee or something.
oluseye said,
August 12, 2009 at 9:27 pm
i just want to know how it goes
belovedheart said,
August 8, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Hello Wellness! Thank you for visiting & posting such nice comment! You are most welcome to link “Our Christian Friendship Journal” to your site. It is indeed my pleasure to share my blog freely for others to read & hopefully they will be able to find one or two informations or encouragements here. My heart & prayer is that this journal will be a blessing to many readers. Have a wonderful day & may God bless you & your website richly in every way!
Blessings,
Belovedheart
Can't Say said,
September 19, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Hi,
I am in a relationship and have been for the last 2years. Okay, so my partner has lately been talking about purchasing homes, and looking at homes, but he doesn’t talk “engagement” or “marriage” with me. But in our case, you can’t live with each other before marriage… i don’t get it. Also, i am finding myself wondering if i really, really love him or if i just like him and if he’s the one, or if our marriage will be boring, even thought i know i love him, maybe i don’t? See, i think i love him, i think i KNOW i love him, but then why would i be wondering about all this?
Please get back to me with some insight. If you’re going to say “I don’t think you are really in love and if you get married, it wont last” please don’t actually say that.
I think i am thinking all these things cause i want to get married soonish and nothing seems to be coming from his end so i am curious as to wear it’s all going..
God Bless
Can’t Say
belovedheart said,
September 20, 2007 at 2:49 pm
To Can’t Say: Thank you so much for visiting! I am glad that this post can be of help to you concerning your current relationship. There are THREE important things to note when one decides to settle down & that is: One should MARRY the RIGHT PERSON, for the RIGHT REASON at the RIGHT TIME. I would also like to recommend you to check out my post about “The Four-fold Purpose of MARRIAGE” & “How to HEAR from God” for some enlightenment. My prayer for you is that you will take time to SEEK God’s WILL for your LIFE through PRAYING & READING of His Word the BIBLE so that you will KNOW what to do. I also pray that God will bless you with an OBEDIENT HEART to follow His leading so that He can move you in forward direction to His WONDERFUL PLAN & PURPOSE for your LIFE..
The Lord's delight said,
May 20, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I have been in a relationship for about two years now and my patner has brought up the topic of marriage. I love him and I think our relationship has the potential for a successful marriage. However, at the moment, we both work in different countries. He wants to get married next year and at the same time I am supposed to start a PhD in one of the best universities in the world next year. This has come on a platter of gold. Not only will i not have to pay fees, i will be paid for the entire duration of the programme. I prayed before I applied for it, asking God not to give it to me if it wasnt his will and I got the scholarship. However, if i take this up that will mean three more years apart. He says its ok and we can get married during the Phd and have a long distance marriage for the duration of my PHD but im a bit hesitant. I wonder if im being too ambitous? But I know that after the euphoria of marriage wears off, we will both still desire to pursue our dreams and destiny so this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity. What do you think is the right thing to do?
Marsha said,
May 29, 2009 at 3:31 am
I am a christian, never married, early 40’s and I was wondering can you be physically intimate but not have actual sex with someone who is saying that they only want to date you, suggesting some kind of exclusivity. I have been intimate a few times with this person, but not have had actual sex. I felt guilty teh first few time, but I just don’t know. I have waited a long time to get married so I do want things to go quickly if I meet someone that I am compatible with which is rare, plus I want kids and I don’t have a lot of time left to do that considering my age. I hope someone can advise me. This person is fine to not have actual sex or even get really intimate I am teh one that has let things go so further. I tell him I need to back off but when we are together things just progress to a point and then I stop in the middle of it. Where does the line get drawn? Is kissing ok? Is body contact ok. Neither of us are kids. I am confused. I am a recommitted christian so this is sort of new for me. thanks! i don’t want to disobey God or not be under his blessings.
Sharon said,
August 9, 2009 at 9:52 am
Hi Marsha. The first problem I see is that you have turned marriage into an idol. God is supposed to be first in your life. You need to be at a place with God that if He so desires not to give you a husband, you should be happy with that. But chances are, you will end up married. There are not many people out there who make being a Christian single a career…lol.
Going by what I’m reading from your post, there is a lot of lust involved and that is not of God. You’re showing a lack of patience and anxiety about your life. You need to pray for patience and ask God what you should do. First, you should repent, turn away from what you’re doing, and evaluate your relationship with the Lord and break up with this guy.
You need to stop asking where does the line get drawn. That’s the problem with us Christians. Instead of asking ourselves what the Bible says about this behavior, you’re wondering how far you can go before you fornicate. That’s not good and it does not honor God. I say this because I’ve sort of been where you are. I’m a 30 year-old virgin but I’ve still gone farther than I should have gone with guys. There are just some things that are reserved for marriage and that does include french kissing. Many people don’t agree with that and I didn’t either at one point but as you mature in Christ and you want to do the will of God, you open your eyes to what the Word is truly saying and not just what you want to see.
You need to break off this so-called relationship. If that man is for you, he will come back around. If he does not have a strong relationship with the Lord then you shouldn’t be bothered with him anyway. Trust me on what I have said.
Genikwa Williams said,
June 3, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Thanks for sharing. This is great stuff!
I haven’t dated in years, but I can certainly remember my disastrous past when I was dating the world’s way. Not good at all. As a Christian single, it’s refreshing to know that there is good, godly advice available to guide me if and when I do start dating again.
Another excellent resource on dating and waiting God’s way is a book I just read called “When Love’s In View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships,” by Dr. Conway and Jada Edwards. Check out the “In the Spotlight” section on my blog–www.genikwawilliams.wordpress.com–for more information on this book.
Thanks again and God bless you!
Firmly In His Grip,
Genikwa
Advice on Christian Dating « Everyday Repartee said,
June 3, 2008 at 11:36 pm
[...] STAGES in Christian Dating/Courtship Relationship [...]
Nick said,
June 26, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Thank for such a wonderful site i like it.
I m in christian relation with a lady whom intend 2 marry we hve engaged for an year is ok for us to go into marriage by next year August.
Thank you and God bless for good work
amoah j said,
November 7, 2008 at 9:27 am
please send me a detailed notes on courtship and the age at which one can enter into courtship.
James Morice said,
January 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Hi, I have a situation where there is a woman I am attracted to that attends our small group bible study on Friday nights that just moved down from New York. I have already sought 4-5 brothers in Christ & 1 elder in our church about asking this woman out to have some pizza & get to know her. (Either with a friend of hers OR me & her in a public setting.) She just moved here about 2 months ago & I have had only 1 opportunity to talk to her outside of a small group setting – it was a Christmas party on Dec 20th. I spoke with our facilitator of the group & he told me to wait & pray for 2 months & see if God will reveal to me if this woman may be my wife. I know God opened my heart to desiring to meet someone & I am willing to wait to tell her what’s been on my mind, but since I feel in “limbo” about her mutual attraction towards me, I am bottled up with my thoughts. After talking with an additional 3-4 sources of counsel, I feel it may be the right thing to just ask her this Friday is she is interested in getting to know me as I am interested in her, just to get it off my mind. (I don’t mind if she is not interested, I just don’t want to be in limbo & have this weird/akward feeling about her “maybe” being interested in me or not. I have felt quite akward not telling her what’s been on my mind (of course, while guarding my heart)
Any suggestions?
James
carol said,
January 20, 2009 at 9:02 am
I am 29 years old and I have recently in the last month gotten back in contact with an old boyfriend I dated 3 and a half years ago. A lot has changed with each of us in the last 3 and a half years. Such as we both have matured and grown closer in our relationship with the lord. We have gone out a few times together in the last month. And I attended his church this past sunday. I am wondering how can I tell if we are dating without coming out and asking. And also who should be the one in the relationship to decided when to hold hands. I can’t help but think if God has given us a second chance at dating each other for a reason.
In Christ,
Thanking God for a second chance
Michael said,
January 26, 2009 at 2:52 am
Most time we discover that someone you have in mind may turn you down for one reason or the other after some time of friendship or relationship.we need courage to overcome such incident in life.But christains should alwats be glad in the spirit because some of this disappointment may be blessing in reality for your good
emmanuel said,
February 14, 2009 at 1:44 am
well this is wonderful, i will like to get weekly subscriptions on this.
vicky said,
June 8, 2009 at 11:58 pm
not as so much but with blessings from God, do you deem it right to love as a christian with being selfish even to the leading of the Holy Spirit? do u fear in love? do u forgive in love even before the person askes for forgiveness? no one could ever be better than you except you.
twitike said,
May 26, 2009 at 6:02 pm
thank God for the website it has really been of help to me
God bless you all
Alex said,
June 14, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Hi, i just browsed through and its been a blessin. I’v learnt alot. God Bless
Peter said,
June 17, 2009 at 11:54 pm
It’s been a great walk through this write up. In recent times I’ve not read real stuffs like this. God bless you and your ministry. How can I get involved with this good work? I mean blessing hearts especially teens and young adults in this issues.
Adam Smith said,
June 26, 2009 at 2:40 am
I also love this writing. I have a question though…do you think it is possible for the two Christian singles to move through any of the stages separately? (i.e. one may be at the end of the fantasy stage, while the other is starting the affirming stage). This is just a curiosity question, I would be inclined to say no. Thanks!
belovedheart said,
June 26, 2009 at 8:45 am
Hello Adam,
Thank you for dropping by…
I believe that it could be possible…but the most important is both their hearts are submitted to our Lord God Heavenly Father… and both of them are seeking His WIll…being sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading….and lots of prayers….I believe God will make it clear and confirm…if both will seek for Him first with all their hearts…
In Christ,
Belovedheart
I visited your website and find beautiful songs that I have also been searching for….keep it up and God bless you richly!
Sharon said,
August 9, 2009 at 9:40 am
Amen!
Akatukwatsa Paul said,
July 9, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Thanks for availing us such an opportunity
DANIEL OLUWATOSIN said,
August 4, 2009 at 6:01 pm
HI,
LOVE UR SITE, BUT I WANT TO ASK A QUESTION, HOW WILL YOU KNOW AND WHAT CONVICTION DO U HAVE TO BE SURE YOU ARE WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER GOD HAS CHOOSEN FOR YOU
belovedheart said,
August 4, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Hello Daniel!
Thank you for dropping by….
God is a loving God and He cares for His children….
for those of us who have desires to get married…we pray to Him and ask for His blessing & favor to be upon us…..we seek His perfect will for us….and await for God’s leading & guidance…..
God wants the very BEST for you….
There are a few notes that we can take from the teachings of the Bible….the first & foremost is the person we should marry should be of the same faith with us…..
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)
Please find some of the link below and hope it will give you some insigths concerning the RIGHT PARTNER God has chosen for you…
1) Does God Promise You a Spouse? http://belovedheart.wordpress.com/2009/07/10/does-god-promise-you-a-spouse/
2) Are You ready for Marriage?
http://belovedheart.wordpress.com/2007/03/11/are-you-ready-for-marriage/
3) What is God’s Purpose for Marriage?
http://belovedheart.wordpress.com/2007/09/08/what-is-gods-purpose-of-marriage/
I hope and pray that this has helped….
In Christ,
Belovedheart
Sharon said,
August 9, 2009 at 9:38 am
To Daniel:
The key is knowing God’s voice. The same way God speaks to you about other things in your life, He will speak to you the same way in regards to relationships.
If you are feeling anxiety about a person or you’re not at peace, then something is wrong. When God is moving in a potential relationship, you won’t have any problems being patient. Instead, you will continue to seek Him in prayer as to what His will is for your life.
Plus, you need to ask yourself and God if you’re ready to be in a relationship. Just because the desire is there does not mean you’re ready. Since you’re obviously a man, are you spiritually ready to settle down? Are you obedient to God and His Word? Is your life in order? Can you afford to take care of a family?
Seek God in prayer but you must have a solid relationship with God first before you take on a wife. You have to be able to lead her spiritually. How can you do that if you’re not being obedient to God yourself?
Raphael said,
September 11, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Hi,
I am a single male and searching for a real soulmate who loves me for who i am rather than for what i am. I am kindly requesting if i could be getting regular subcriptions on relatioships and other encouraging articles on how to lead a o marally upright christian life.
I am really fulfilled by this article, it gives strength and it’s uplifting.
Raphael said,
September 11, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Hi,
I am a single male and searching for a real soulmate who will love me for who i am rather than for what i am. I am kindly requesting if i could be getting regular subcriptions on relatioships and other encouraging articles on how to lead a morally upright christian life.
I am really fulfilled by this article, it gives strength and it’s uplifting
Philip Okogie said,
October 23, 2009 at 1:29 am
Thanks so much for such a wonderful site dealing with a very important aspect of the life of the christian community. God Bless you richly.